Things are getting out of hand out there. Join us in recoiling in horror at this collection of weird and upsetting coffee receptacles from around the world. Warning: Some fruits and vegetables were harmed in the making of this trend.

1. Avolatte

To make this abomination, the team at Truman Café in Melbourne, Australia, combined two of the city’s obsessions into the avolatte. The barista at the café says it was intended as a joke, but then people actually started ordering them. We think he sums it up pretty well: “It’s literally coffee in a piece of rubbish.”

A post shared by Luncheonette (@luncheonette_kensington) on May 30, 2017 at 5:02pm PDT

2. Cabbagino

Firstly, the portmanteau is questionable here. Shouldn’t it be cabbachino, to give equal shine to the two components? The ‘ch’ at least sounds slightly less upsetting than that flabby ‘g’ sound. Either way, this is also a joke by a British comedian on Twitter, but we enjoyed the social media backlash. Writer Caitlin Moran reckons the cabbage should be the national vegetable of England: “Splayed fatly in a border, it looks like the most majestic ball ever lobbed over a fence. It looks like a crown. A planet. A green and lilac-veined rose. It is only the English language that has let the cabbage down – giving it, quite frankly, the ugliest name in all veg-dom.” In this instance, however, a rose/cabbage by another other name would smell as foul.

You can keep your avocado lattes. Just had one of these in the Obama Plaza. It’s called a Cabbagino. pic.twitter.com/4CUTat7UXQ

— Ross O’Carroll-Kelly (@RossOCK) May 24, 2017

3. Pumpkin-spiced latte in an actual pumpkin

While the famed pumpkin-spiced lattes were available at Starbucks in Joburg in spring last year, our research suggests the offer is no longer. We’re feeling okay about that after imagining sipping one from a freshly scraped, cold and unyielding pumpkin rind.

A post shared by Dritan Alsela (@dritanalsela) on Nov 1, 2016 at 5:37am PDT

4. Applespresso

Surely tea makes more sense served in an apple (barely)? Maybe this tastes a bit like pie?

 

A post shared by Tamper Coffee (@tampercoffeejkt) on Oct 26, 2016 at 7:11am PDT

5. Canadiano

This is actually a pour-over coffee filter made from wood. It features a reusable metal filter, and can be purchased by hipsters in their choice of woods like birch, walnut, cherry and white oak. The filter will season over time and with regular use. We guess you remove it after brewing the coffee, but if it’s not in your picture on Instagram, will it even have happened?

A post shared by Taro Funado (@funadotaro) on May 26, 2017 at 4:56pm PDT

6. Thin plastic cup of soul death

Somewhere, somehow, people are still using these. They conduct heat (that’s the devil’s temperature!), are prone to buckling if clutched too firmly, and probably leach all sorts of toxins into the scalding drink. Maybe the avo isn’t looking so bad after all…

 

A post shared by Ziga Novak (@ziganovak) on Sep 29, 2012 at 5:41am PDT

Bonus entry, which is very acceptable: Coffee in a cone

This coffee in a cone, designed by The Grind Coffee Company in Melrose Arch, was picked up in international media after we called it the country’s most Instagrammable coffee, and it remains an excellent idea. The chocolate melts into the warm brew, and you can eat the cone afterwards. Genius.

 

A photo posted by The Grind Coffee Company (@thegrindza) on Jan 16, 2016 at 9:23pm PST