Marco Pierre White was famous for kicking rude guests out of his restaurants, not forcefully, but by sheer embarrassment. His waiters would gather at the offender’s table and swiftly gather all the settings before the manager walked by and quietly remove the tablecloth. The customers would be ignored, left sitting at a bare table until they decided to walk out. Not an ideal way to spend your evening.

What went wrong, and how could they have averted disaster? People skills. Some of us have them; some don’t. How people behave in restaurants is a fairly good indicator either way. It’s noticeable in their general interaction and respect for the staff but it’s most obviously on display when something goes wrong.

What not to say
If you have ever uttered the words, “You messed up my order”, “Hey, where’s my food? I ordered like forty minutes ago” or “Hey babe, how hard is it to get another beer around here?”, it’s safe to say you’re not going to win the customer of the year award.

…It happens
The simple fact is that things go wrong in restaurants, just like anywhere else. But it’s how you deal with these mishaps that can make or break your overall restaurant experience. In fact, handle it with grace and aplomb and you could end up having the time of your life. (The complimentary drinks thrown in may help….)

A restaurateur tells the story of how a waiter spilled a drink on a customer’s R1 000 dress shirt during lunch. Despite having an important meeting that afternoon, the customer was unruffled, telling the waiter, “These things happen”. The restaurateur saw this, came to apologise and found out where the shirt was from. He then called the store, convinced the manager to drive over during lunch and deliver a new shirt (paid for by the restaurant) and had the stained shirt dry-cleaned. Needless to say, the customer became a loyal regular, and a good friend.

Set the tone
The most important thing is your tone of voice. No matter what happens or who’s fault it is, don’t shout at a waiter, runner, maître d’, manager, chef or owner. Ever. By all means speak firmly, but the minute you raise your voice you lose your footing and nobody will take you seriously. Always assume that a simple mistake has been made – which is most often the case, anyway. A little grace gets you a long way, so instead of jumping to accusations, rather enquire pleasantly. The difference between clicking fingers and demanding, “Where’s my drink?” and catching a waiter’s eye and saying, “Excuse me, I’m just checking that my drink is on its way?” is bigger than you’d think.

When it’s cool to complain
•    Nobody comes to take a drinks order.
•    Your drinks take more than ten minutes.
•    Nobody comes to explain the menu or take a food order.
•    Your food takes abnormally long to arrive.
•    Something is wrong with your food.
•    Nobody comes to replenish your drinks.
•    Nobody clears your plates.
•    Something is wrong with your cutlery, table or chair.

The above are all pretty standard complaints, so pose the question to your waiter and ask him to remedy it. If he’s rude, not sincerely apologetic or doesn’t address the issue, then have a word with the manager on duty. Often things are out of your waiter’s control: the restaurant may be busy or the kitchen may be slow that day. Yes, you absolutely have a right to say something, but being whiney and petulant is not going to do you any favours. The manager should at the very least be given a chance to explain and try to make up for any inconvenience caused.

If you need to send your meal back, do it right after it arrives at the table, not once you’ve polished off half. This also requires discretion: you can’t visit a dodgy corner pub expecting a gourmet steak frites with béarnaise.

Just desserts
A good restaurant turns a mistake into the opportunity to make a lifelong fan; a poor restaurant loses a customer forever. If nobody every complained, restaurants wouldn’t get the feedback they need to improve. But a complaint is all about communication, and the objective to point out what’s wrong so that it can be made right, not revel in the attention and humiliate the waitress. The trick is to do this so everybody wins.

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By David Cope
Photograph: Influx productions