Sometimes in life there comes a defining moment when you study the chocolate wrappers in your bag and the trail of too-tight jeans on your bedroom floor and make the decision to do something. Yes, you decide to diet – a seemingly innocent four letter word, a concept that promises a healthier, happier you, but in reality takes you on a dark journey of hunger and melancholy. This journey transpires in five stages: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

Denial and isolation

You tell yourself pizza is disgusting. You turn down lunch invitations because you’re “not really that hungry”. You stand tall in the mirror and repeat, “chocolate mousse is pretty average”. This denial is a temporary response that helps carry us through the first wave of pain. It’s a buffet, I mean buffer, that distracts us from the reality of the situation, and let’s all face it, it’s a dreadful situation.

Anger

As the masking effects of denial begin to wear away, the reality sets in and anger takes the stage for a spectacular display. The hanger – hungry anger – may be directed at inanimate objects (yes, croissant, I’m looking at you) or at those closest to you. Rationally, we know that no one is to be blamed, but anything from a suggestive fast food ad to the aroma of pizza wafting through the office can trigger a murderous hot rage. We really and truly resent the person or object that is causing us pain.

Bargaining

Bargaining is a normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability. It’s a need to regain control, an attempt to postpone the inevitability of this dire situation. We torture ourselves with a string of ‘if onlys’ – if only we had maintained a healthy diet during winter; if only we hadn’t discovered cake pops; if only we loved broccoli.

Depression

This stage is a quiet, private period in which we lament having to separate ourselves from carbohydrates and bid our midnight snacks farewell. During this phase we experience profound nostalgia. Memories flash through our minds, of chocolate ice cream on the beach, our first red velvet cupcake, of intimate moments with a bucket of country-fried chicken. This is the first step towards acceptance. Sometimes all we really need is a hug – and bacon.

Acceptance

This final stage of dieting grief is marked by a certain calm acceptance. Though it’s not a period of joy or happiness by any means, it brings with it acknowledgment and even a glimmer of hope for a future without comfort food. Unfortunately, reaching this stage of grief is not afforded to everyone. Sometimes we can’t see beyond our resentment and profound hanger. It’s a common occurrence that usually results in rebellion and, ultimately, relapse… which is, if we’re honest, completely delicious.