Bukhara (Stellenbosch)

Sunday, August 17th, 2014

Reviewed by Blake taylor

If i havent died by the time someone sees this it will be recorded in the Guiness book of world records on 16 august 2014 for the most remarkable human recovery of all time. I ordered a takeaway today from Bukhara and via phone call was greeted by the barman there, who by now I am absolutely convinced was either making an attempt on my life or having me on, furthermore having limited to zero Indian food knowledge (or knowledge of anything for that matter) gave me his personal advise and guarantee after I enquired into a curry that was EXTRA MILD, creamy, coconut and tomato based. He suggests a thing called Lamb MADRAS, which apparently now is an Indian acronym for "run away, get away, and hide from this nuclear scientific experiment that Ghandi himself believes is solely responsible for all the heat, fire and combustion generated in the galaxy by everything...ever". After selling me this thing that he compared to a BUTTER CHICKEN sauce, a 20 minute discussion with his co-worker ensued about the difference between a roti and naan bread. After the most complicated explanation I have ever heard about texture and grains, I could have re-written the entire food encyclopedia on East indian bread content. I will also note that after arriving and paying for the most expensive Curry in the known cosmos, I was told the basmati rice was an extra cost. Upon return and opening the container, which packed enough heat to substitute a minor volcanic eruption, the colour was far from the butter chicken “orange” comparison. It was dark and decrepit. The fumes hit my face like a thermal gas explosion. My nostrils singed on the inside immediately and I let out a small yell. Stupidly, I made an attempt at the radioactive material, any signs of substance resembling lamb had dissolved into a brown, fumigated paste, and together with the naan/tandoori woven roti grain concoction I now dipped in said curry, and took a bite. The reaction was immediate and far more sever than I imagined. I physically CANNOT see. I can barely strain a glance through feint slants where my lachrymal glands have malfunctioned and tears are flowing steadily. I am certainly dying, how long it will take I dont know. My tongue is swollen. Perhaps 3 times the size. A rash across my neck and face now too. There is a taste of metal in my mouth that im concerned is too similar to eating pure copper. The metallic taste is so fierce my taste buds are unsalvageable and am convinced that the taste of batteries in my mouth have lead to my desperate screams. I hoped at some stage the neighbours would be alerted if not by my screaming then by the fumigation of the radioactive substance. Ears ringing. The heat is unbearable so apart from an ambulance I need to somehow rest assured that in exchange for my life-someone does something about this because if this problem is not addressed the survival of the entire human race is at stake. Excuse the pun and pls send help.